Secrets : Can't let you go (Hate Me)
by Dr.Dalek
Summary: Why is there someone standing on top of the Academy's building?... Theta/Koschei one-shot very cute and humorous fluff, M/M. May be a bit disturbing at the beginning but has a really neat ending. Warning: this story deals with subjects as suicide and strange male bonding.


_A little Easter Fluff for my dear fan Mabudachi-Trio. I really hope you enjoy it.  
(And if you ever want to me write you anything again please let me know!)  
Inspired by Blue October's 'Hate Me'._

* * *

_Silence. Nothing but infinite silence._

_The universe was calm; stellar constellations were formed and torn apart in millions of years, or, compared to the never-ending infinity, in the blink of an eye.  
But all in it all was pretty quiet._

_Far beneath the dark blue sky a noise formed and appeared, accompanied by something blue that tried to take shape while it creaked and wheezed.  
A blue box appeared on the deserted planet's surface, ending its complicated materialisation with a loud thudding noise.  
Noisily a door got pushed open and a screaming figure tumbled out of it, having a hard landing on some pointy rocks._

_The Doctor appeared near the door and started waving at it as the TARDIS dematerialized already._

_"__Sorry Jack. I've got an appointment."_

_And no matter how much Jack shouted the Doctor disappeared; and would hopefully remember to pick him up later on.  
Hopefully._

Somewhere on Gallifrey inside of the famous and innumerable thousand-years-old Academy, hidden behind a large desk in a comfortable room some of the Academy's faculty members were discussing matters.  
The Headmaster's head sank deeper into his beard as he dozed off once again.  
He'd assumed the vacant position (for which he'd been responsible by killing its previous occupant) mostly because he'd foreseen the Great Time War that was about to start and he had to admit that he preferred training soldiers than actually becoming a soldier himself.  
The whole dying-for-your-country's-pride thing was fine for him as long as it didn't happen _to_ him.

Nevertheless, he concluded, he'd never expected this much paperwork. Or the board meetings.  
Or having to put up with Mrs Reprics.  
Mrs Reprics was the student's 'Mental and Moral Hygiene' teacher, a both dreaded and dreadful person.  
Mrs Reprics speech in front of the plenary meeting in front of all faculty members caused two things:

First of all it caused half of the staff to fall asleep (the other half tried to pay little attention due to overzealousness or out of sheer fear).

Secondly the students had a free day and were therefore fleeing the hated old building to enjoy their day of.  
But against all expectations some just stopped right in front of the building and looked up.  
And those curious onlookers were soon followed by others.

"What is he doing?"  
"Are you sure it's a _he_?"  
"I bet my sonic pliers that it's a girl."  
"Does anyone know him?"  
"It doesn't look safe standing there on the roof, don't you think?"  
"What good are sonic pliers?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"He's swaying! By Borusa's beard, he's not going to jump, is he?"  
"That sure would be something. Then we'll have either a newly regenerated Time Lord or a specimen for dissection class tomorrow."  
"That's rude!"  
"Can't we help him?"  
"We haven't even finished discussing its sex."  
"...who'd want sonic pliers anyway?"  
"Can you two please cut it out? There's something far more serious going on!"  
"Shouldn't we get help?"  
"From whom?"

There was silence as students looked at one another, only broken by a thin voice whispering:  
"But we've got to get help, what if...?"  
One of the senior students stepped forwards, hands akimbo.  
"Then who's going to interrupt the plenary meeting? Any volunteers?"  
Now even the thin voice had fallen silent.

"Right" the senior student went on "Then we can either wait here or try to get a drink in the nearest pub; as long as the plenary meeting drags we're not in danger of running into any supervisors;"  
He looked around proudly as the others seemed to consult this and went on with a smile on his lips: "Right then; he might as well resign himself to his fate, but I will not stand in his way..."  
"...or _her_ way!" interrupted one of the sex-discussers from before.  
The senior member dragged on unimpressed "...will not stand in _their_ way _and now shut up for Kasterborous' sake_, or tell them how to spend their day off. Each to their own."

Thereby he ended his speech and walked off, followed by some more pub-goers.

By now all that were left were either compassionately scared or those who were interested in the field of medicine; both of them waited patiently, the one part ready to gasp and start shouting and the other part ready to place their bets on what colour his kidneys may be if they were splashed all over the place.  
And right in the middle of them was Ushas.

Ushas smiled mildly. She'd cast a pitiful glance at the swaying figure, the small and poor boy standing on top of the building; the sad little guy, so lost, so alone, so hopelessly disillusioned...  
She lifted her head and stared directly into his face.  
And Theta stared back.

The cool wind was very welcomed by Theta; the roof was hotter than expected. If he didn't reach a decision he'd probably burn his hands on the metal ornaments on which he was currently supporting himself.  
Theta smirked; typical.  
When he couldn't decide if he should live or die he thought about burning his hands.

Theta breathed in deeply. He'd heard the buzzing noises from down there. He'd heard the frightened gasps and stared into the irritated faces.  
And he was getting even angrier if he'd dare to catch a glimpse of the one smile in the crowd.  
The one smile that wouldn't vanish.  
Those red lips that would form the same words over and over again.

Do it. Do it.

Theta closed his eyes as he tried to forget about it, forget about her, standing there in the crowd, Ushas, standing there innocently amongst the others, unsuspicious as always when it was her fault, when she'd caused all the trouble; how did she even dare to stare at him, how did she dare to form the words with her mouth?

Do it.

Theta bit back tears as he met her gaze once more.  
No, he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't stand it any longer!

"Oh dear Gods, what is he doing?"  
"We're still not sure on the 'he' thing."  
"Is he going to jump?"  
"Maybe he won't need to; maybe the breeze gets stronger and he just slips..."  
"Don't do it!"

Theta was moving as if he was dreaming. Everything around him was too unreal to be true. He acted as if he was unaware of the edge in front of him or the assembled students down below.  
He just gazed at the horizon, his eyes touching the far off silver trees, while in his mind he was running, running over the red fields, the fields that belonged to Koschei's father...  
Theta sagged and sank to his knees, he was kneeling down as his hands reached for the rain pipe for support.

Yes, he'd be running over the hills, over the fresh red grass, maybe even further than ever before. Maybe he would be... over there, near the giant Khajihla tree...  
Theta blinked, his eyes trying to escape the grey veil that seemed to cover both his sight and his mind.  
Why was there something blue in the field? What could that be? Blue? Was it a new tree?

Theta gulped.  
The blue spot on the horizon had become a blur by now; tears had begun to bedabble his cheeks.  
Theta was trying silently.  
He tried not to think.  
He tried to block out the thoughts, the memories that were driving him insane.  
But whenever he'd close his eyes... there was a move playing in his head. And the same scene over and over again, lost in infinity.

Moving. Both of them moving against each other. Gasping, panting, wheezing and whispering.  
The bloody stench that had...  
NO!

Theta leaned forward as he thought he was going to be sick. There was silence from underneath, no sounds in the air but the wind's susurration.

But inside of his head...

Theta sobbed.  
He was close to losing his head. And the burning... the burning inside wouldn't stop.  
And the pain. The anxious throbbing, the nervous bleeding.  
And still it wouldn't stop. And he'd see them, over and over again.  
The pressure on both sides of his head increased; he tried to drown it out by placing his fingers on his temples and pushing against it, shoving the pain away.  
But it wouldn't end. He'd never be able to stop thinking about it.  
Just mumbling the words that kept haunting him:

If you're sleeping are you dreaming?  
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?  
If you're dreaming then how can you do this to me?

Theta sat there, immobile, staring into nothing and trying not to think about _them_.  
And he didn't even turn his head around to say:  
"Koschei what are you doing here?"

Koschei smiled; Koschei was always smiling.  
And he hadn't even stopped while he'd...

"Don't!" barked Theta as he moved forward, barely sitting on the roof with his feet dangling in the air.  
"One more step, Koschei and I'm going to...!"  
"What?" asked Koschei. Theta met Koschei's gaze; those warm amber eyes had always been reassuring, they'd always been somewhat revitalizing.  
Koschei's sweet and golden eyes...

"Why did you come anyway?" asked Theta, ignoring Koschei's previous remark.  
Koschei popped his head to one side while he examined him.  
"I just wanted to make sure you were really okay" said Koschei.  
Theta retorted a death-glare and started growling.

"Do you think this is some kind of joke?" snarled Theta "What do _you_ think I'm doing here?"  
Theta turned his head aside and glared into those goldenly gleaming orbits; he felt Koschei probing his mind; but it seemed as if he was still searching, still looking for the answer...  
Eventually Koschei shrugged:  
"I don't know. I thought I'd better ask."

"By Borusa's beard, is this Koschei?"  
"What is Koschei doing up there?"  
"Koschei? Isn't he the one who put the rats into Mrs Reprics shoes?"  
"It wasn't her shoes... it was her bra."  
"I thought she didn't wear a bra."  
"Not anymore."  
"Great. Now you made me picture it."  
"Can you two just shut up please? Others are trying to enjoy this guy's suicide."  
"Or this _girl's_ suicide..."  
"If he's really going to jump..."  
"...or _she_..."  
"...then I'm really going to be pissed. I just did my laundry yesterday. I don't want to have mashed Time Lord all over myself."

Theta sighed and focussed on the distance again, trying to drown out the constant bickering from underneath.  
Koschei leaned against one of the chimneys.  
"And again you're the one who draws attention to himself" smirked Koschei as he overlooked the crowd of students "some things never change."

"Why don't you just push me off the roof?" snarled Theta "I don't want to sap your time."  
"Oh, you're not; actually I'm quite enjoying the view" replied Koschei and popped his head to one side again before adding: "Who is standing near this blue box in the field over there?"  
Theta growled while he tried to keep Koschei from reading his thoughts.  
He could feel him; Koschei's mind melding into his always felt somewhat sticky; and he couldn't stand Koschei's nosiness.  
And after all he really _should_ know what this was all about...

"But I don't" added Koschei.  
"Stay away from me" growled Theta.  
"I haven't moved" replied Koschei.

Theta breathed in deeply; he felt the anger arising, the fury burning deep inside of him; all the hate, the felt but never mentioned hate for him, for his only one, the only one he'd ever loved, for the only one who'd ever been able to hurt him...

With a snarl Theta leapt from the edge of the roof and grabbed Koschei by the collar, forcing him down onto the shingles and rolling and slipping with him until they'd bump into the rain pipe.

The commotion underneath them increased but neither of them noticed.  
Theta was still on top of Koschei, panting and grunting with rage as he slammed his head once more against the shingles.

"You're so clever, aren't you? With your bloody clever remarks and your bloody reputable appearance! You are driving me insane, Koschei! Do you hear me? You've finally managed driving me insane, congratulations on that! And if you don't stop grinning right now I swear I'm going to throw you off the roof!"

Koschei kept grinning but he grabbed both of Theta's wrists, just in case.

Theta stared down at Koschei, still panting.  
Koschei's eyes moved unsteadily as he tried to read his friend's face.  
A bit worried he mumbled:  
"Suicidal hate."

Theta drew a sharp breath before growling: "What?!"  
"Hating your life so much it causes you to think suicide is a good alternative" explained Koschei.  
"You don't have to explain the meaning to me" snapped Theta "I wanted to know what you said it for."

Koschei remained silent and Theta felt him invading his mind, pulling out deadlocked drawers, digging deeper and deeper into his thoughts, into his sentiments…

"Stop it" yelled Theta and buried his knee in Koschei's groin. Koschei moaned quietly, dark red sparks forming in his amber colored eyes. But he didn't let go of Theta's mind.  
Theta started kicking and screaming as he felt Koschei grabbing his mind and pulling on his thoughts, pulling on those thoughts he'd tried to bury deep down inside of him, the memories that made his heart ache and his stomach twist into to a knot and made his life a never ending nightmare.

Koschei stared at Theta with unbelieving eyes.  
"You…"  
"Yes" snapped Theta, his eyes inevitably searching for Ushas in the crowd "Yes, I saw you."  
Koschei didn't dare to say a word. And Theta felt that he couldn't hold back any longer.

"Yes I saw you! I saw you with Ushas after you two had sneaked away from Mrs Reprics lesson in the secret library. I saw you, on top of her, grunting and whispering those sweet words that... You, moving against her, touching her, feeling her, moaning as you were screwing her senseless. And her eyes... as she looked over your shoulders...at me..."  
Theta gulped and bit back the tears that were forming in his eyes.  
"I know it, Koschei. I know what you've been doing with her. And I know that she probably did it because she's mad at me for putting one of her most highly developed rats into a microwave. But I never thought..."  
"...that I'd do it?" completed Koschei.  
Theta shook his head.

"I never thought it would hurt. I never thought it would hurt so badly."

With great care Koschei placed Theta beside him and got into a kneeling position; Theta put up no resistance, even as Koschei dragged him away from the edge of the roof.  
He leaned Theta against a chimney.

Theta started stammering again; by now he'd surrendered to the tears.  
"I...I can't...blame you... you're not even... I never asked you... you not..."  
Koschei breathed in deep and instinctively Theta tried to breath in deep as well.  
"I know you shouldn't... I can't..."  
"I know" replied Koschei unnerved.  
"You don't have to apologize" said Theta.  
"I won't" added Koschei.  
Theta went on and ignored his comment: "...because you did nothing wrong. I never asked you for loyalty. For any God's sake, most of the time I don't even bother thinking about what you're doing. I don't know why it hurts this much, seeing you with Ushas."

Koschei patted him on the back and pulled his friend closer.  
"Remember when you told me that Mrs Reprics had finally snapped because you'd banger her in her office? I didn't even care. Neither did I doubt your words. But it was so different when...  
It was Ushas smile that was driving me insane. I couldn't stand it, seeing her in your arms and seeing her smile, how she smiled while..."

Theta broke up. He rested his head on Koschei's shoulder.

The long silence was broken by Koschei:  
"Are you mad at me?"  
Theta was astonished by his bluntness and the uncaring tone in his voice.  
Eventually he nodded.  
"Can I make it up to you?"

Theta owed him a reply.  
Theta sat there with his eyes closed, the tears slowly drying after this outburst of emotion.  
He felt mad. He felt agitated. But he didn't know why.  
He wasn't mad at Koschei; technically he'd never _said_ that he should be Koschei's only mate. And he'd never wanted it like this... at least he'd never felt like it.  
And still... still he had this nagging feeling.  
He was still asking himself the same question over and over again.  
'How could you do this to me?'

"Because I didn't know" answered Koschei the question he hadn't asked "And it won't ever happen again."  
"You don't have to promise it" replied Theta "This way I can't be mad at you if you break your promise."  
Koschei shook his head, mildly smiling at him.

Theta collapsed into his arms, hugging him and holding on to him tightly. He rubbed his face against Koschei's chest and sighed while he sucked in his beguiling scent.

Koschei raised his head and looked over Theta's shoulder.  
"They're still watching us."  
Theta hesitated.  
"Is Ushas still there?" he asked.  
Koschei searched the crowd.  
"Yes" he replied eventually "And looks like some of the faculty members have joined the on-lookers."  
"Faculty members?" repeated Theta and struggled to get to his feet but Koschei pushed him down onto the roof.  
"Don't worry; as long as we stay here we won't get into trouble."  
"Koschei we can't stay on the roof forever!"

Koschei stared down at the assembled crowd; he smiled as he met Ushas' gaze.

"Don't you think we should pay her back?" Koschei had barely finished as Theta added hurriedly: "Don't even think about it!"

Koschei stared at Theta; then he took another look at the wondering student's faces.  
Finally he seemed to have reached decision.

Koschei grabbed Theta's arms and pinned them down on the roof, kneeling over his beloved friend's body. He stripped Theta off his clothes (all that were necessary to remove) and positioned himself between Theta's spread legs.

"Koschei" panted Theta, as he was already getting hard "I'm so going to get your for this."  
"Don't tell me you're not enjoying taking your revenge at Ushas like this" Koschei smirked and grabbed Thetas thighs before raising his rear end a bit to push deeply into the tight and velvet warmness that lay before him.

"What...?!"  
"No... they're not...!"  
"What the...?!"  
"So, what is this emergency you were speaking about earlier? Were any of you worried that one of them may not know how to fornicate?"  
"Please, Lord of the High Mathematicians, I didn't know they were..."

Theta buried his nails deeply in Koschei's skin as Koschei pushed hard against his sore skin, ploughing him both shame- and mercilessly.  
Koschei growled as he buried his rock-hard boner deeper in Theta, thereby eliciting a stifled cry from his shivering friend underneath him.  
Theta looked aside and came to notice that there was in fact a figure standing beside the blue box.  
But he instantly lost interest in it as he felt that he was getting closer to the climax as Koschei started sucking on his nipples...

_"__You seem to have lost me there."  
The Doctor was leaning on the TARDIS as the door beside him got pushed open. _

_"__No kind word from you in all these years, not even one visit after my imprisonment for attempted murder of the Lord President and all of a sudden you're standing right in front of me and without a single word you're pulling me out of my comfortable cell and push me into your overweight, underpowered museum piece that you call a TARDIS. And as soon as it has landed you're off and away through the door. Anything special you wanted to show me?"  
The Master came to a halt beside the Doctor. He followed his gaze and stared; eventually he popped his head to one side._

_"__How sweet."_

_The Doctor said nothing. He wasn't in the mood to discuss matters; neither was he in the mood to get insulted.  
Actually he'd intended to land in a different century. Somehow he must have set the coordinates wrong again. Or the TARDIS was enjoying a joke more than he gave her credit for._

_"__Back then I hadn't even noticed that you were blushing" chuckled the Master.  
The Doctor stared affronted at the arm that was placed around his shoulder.  
"I didn't blush!" he snapped.  
"Oh, and how you blushed" the Master went on "Red like an angry Dalek."  
"Keep your hands of me" mumbled the Doctor and tried to shove his hand away.  
"Is this some kind of anniversary that I missed?" asked the Master bemused.  
"Just shut up and step back into the TARDIS" grumbled the Doctor and opened the door.  
The Master stopped the Doctor by holding a hand up in front of his chest.  
"Let me watch that for a moment, will you?"_

_The Doctor rolled his eyes.  
"Come on, that's disgusting" the Doctor went on "That's kind of like looking into a mirror while masturbating."  
The Master shushed him into silence.  
A smile appeared on his lips._

_"__You had such a beautiful and skinny body... well, you're still skinny, you've definitely kept your slender figure..."  
"Don't!" snapped the Doctor even before feeling one of the Master's hands on his chest "Let's just leave it."  
The Master sighed.  
"Back then I even thought that having sex as a five-hundred years old must be disgusting. I never would have guessed that someone could be still attractive if he'd lived nearly thousand years." _

_Both of them watched in silence as both of their younger selves climaxed.  
The Doctor pushed the door open and shoved the Master in before slamming the door shut.  
"You're blushing again, aren't you?" said the Master and chuckled quietly.  
The Doctor retorted a death-glare._

_Just like back then... his Koschei would always be teasing him..._

_"__But I've got to hand it to you. You really were tight back then."  
"Shut up Master or I'll spank you."  
"Stop making me horny."_


End file.
